Me and my Chardonnay – inseparable
For the first time in many years – since I had children, actually – I felt quite good about myself this week. It lasted about as long as an English sunny spell, but I definitely felt a little spike of optimism in the dark and dusty pit that is my psyche.
Soul mates
After years of skulking around shamefully on school runs and sobbing into my Chardonnay, I’ve finally found my soul mates – fellow bad mums who, though they love their children, find parenting to be wildly overrated.
In the US a flurry of new parenting books has hit kindles and bookshelves like a viral infection sweeping through a nursery. The authors are mums who “curse a lot, drink to excess, reveal scary truths and draw twisted little stick figures of their kids pooping and whining relentlessly.”
Fifty shades of parenting
These ‘scary, dark and funny’ mums seem to have hit upon the fifty shades of parenting – their expletive-infused, boozing, warts-and-all anecdotes of what it’s really like to be a mum – are hitting a nerve!
I’ll drink to that!
Share the grief
Finally, it may be time to ditch the anti-depressants and share the grief openly in stead about the seemingly never-ending daily grind of raising ungrateful little brats.
Maybe that will finally shatter the perfect mum with perfect children, perfect husband, perfect pets and catalogue homes illusion we all partake in at coffee mornings and school gates.
Perhaps it will be safe soon to own up to nasty rows flavoured with unwholesome language with our other halves about where the money will come from and whose turn it is to unpack the dishwasher – sometimes even in front of our kids.
‘Not-so-proud’ mummy moments
What a relief it would be to see a fellow mum post a ‘not-so-proud’ mummy moment on Facebook in stead of yet another carefully censored postcard glimpse of a perfect family leading a candy floss life.
Maybe we’ll soon be able to have real discussions about the mind-numbing boredom of building Lego spaceships or reading stories about dinosaurs, when all you want to do is check your email, play Candycrush or read a book about bad mums.
Shouting very loudly
Could we dare to come clean about shouting very loudly at our children in stead of gently guiding them to the right behaviour in soothing tones – in line with parenting guidelines from childless experts?
Would you admit to fantasizing about life before children – all the time – not dreams about steamy sex (though that would be nice) but going to the toilet with the door closed, having a lie-in and spending money on yourself in stead of on football boots or swimming lessons?
I wouldn’t want to push it – but perhaps we could even admit to a less than perfect pelvic floor and how easy it is to lose yourself in the pursuit of being everything to everyone else.
Health warning
At some point I considered putting a health warning for doe-eyed first-time mums on my blog like the ones on cigarette packs for fear of shattering their dreams with my honest accounts of parenting.
But now that I know I’m not alone, I won’t. I only wish that my own library of early parenting guides had included a few titles from scary, dark, bad mums.
It would have comforted me so much to know that I was not alone in my moments of weakness when I couldn’t find anything to love among the tiring tantrums and endless whining.
It would have made me realise that I didn’t have to be perfect – and that guilt, bitterness, jealousy, frustration, cursing, shouting and drinking too much wine are as much part of being a mum as happy snappy moments of love and fulfilment.
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by 
Enjoyed this very much. Not being from the British Isles, can you explain the word Stroppy to me? Is it just a slurred Sloppy?
Definition of stroppy (I like Jackie’s definition in the comments below)
Some of the dictionary definitions made me giggle: bolshy, obstinate, stubborn, tenaciously unwilling, bloody-minded and quarrelsome, difficult and obstreperous. Get the picture?
Funny how the same language (English) can be so different. But yes, I get it. Good luck with your blogging.
Reality always trumps sugar-coated tales
Yes – agreed! Say it like it is.
Stroppy = takes no nonsense; says it like she sees it; shows you how she feels, not how she is supposed to feel.
Dictionary definition made me laugh: bolshy, obstinate, stubborn, tenaciously unwilling, bloody-minded and quarrelsome, difficult and obstreperous. That’s me allright.
Love it! I think there are plenty of mum’s out there who tell it like it is but the mothering you tend to read about in the media has to fall into stereotypes yummy mummy (yuk HATE that phrase) or bad mums.(not bad in a good way).
If I”m honest I do know a few months who are honest about how hard it is, but I also know many who pretend everything is always fine and dandy. Need more good “bad mum” role models.
Great post, made me chuckle #PoCoLo
what a fab post! i am still laughing x
Thanks. Glad I could make you laugh.
Ditched the parenting books a very long time ago as they drove me completely bonkers!!
I love being a mum, but some days it’s tough – looking forward to both daughters leaving for uni later this year and rediscovering who I am!!
Fantastic post.
My youngest is only four so I’ve got a long time to wait – but have started on a my self-discovery journey already. Love being a mum too – in principle.
I am so like you, I sugar coat nothing, because its really is harder than eve I make it seem
LOVE this post x
No point sugarcoating – it doesn’t make you or anyone else feel better. It’s hard, of course it’s rewarding sometimes, but mostly it’s hard.
Where can I get a copy of that book???? (Love the definition of stroppy as well
I am one for straight talking, no-nonsence – I have very little patience with… well… a lot of things and, parenting aside, I wondered if I was alone in this. Appears not *wipes forehead*. Love the blog x
Thanks – Love the name of your blog, also sounds like something I can identify with. So glad I’m not the only stroppy one.
So true, it is much more helpful to read about the non-sugar coated harsh reality, it makes you feel so much better about your own failings. I think perhaps the reason we don’t all write about that all the time is a) it is too depressing and b) we’re worreid social services might find us…
It’s even more depressing not to write about it – at least this way we get to laugh at our own and others’ failings. But you have a point re: social services
This is a BRILLIANT post, I am so with you :)). I like to think I am somewhere in the middle – I don’t dwell on everything Grace does but I like to think I take an interest without losing my own!! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo again, great to have you there xx
Thanks for your comment! Love PocoLo – makes me write and read other blogs. Hope to meet you at Britmums Live.
Great post! I’m all about embracing imperfections! In fact, I even think it’s good for our children. It’s a pretty big burden for our kids if we’re perfect… they’ll think they have to be perfect too! I don’t want that for mine. As it happens, I wrote this post on Friday, all about being a ‘bad’ mother. http://thelovingparent.com/bad-mother/ Great to find you via #PoCoLo. x
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve just read your post about losing your cool in the morning. This could be me any day and I don’t even usually apologise. Your son sounds like such a sweetie! They are so forgiving aren’t they?
I really wish I could be more like them sometimes: Un-endingly forgiving and always unconditionally loving. I’m working on it! xx
I’ve given up!
Finally the truth is out! Can i come out of my bad mama closet now ? Great post x
Yep – it’s safe to come out. Join me.
Love this. I’m with you sister! Can I admit that I switch straight off when i start reading another nauseating blog post about how to be a perfect mum? If we were perfect, our children would never learn from our mistakes….keep it real people!
Lots of ‘bad mums’ coming out of the closet now – I love it!
Great post! A couple of years ago I realised I really disliked taking my kids to playgrounds. Love taking them on expeditions, walks, fun days out but not playgrounds. I’d just worry, get mad, bored … and stroppy. Decided to confess this ‘bad mum’ side of me to everyone I knew and ever since playground duty has been successfully handed over to my husband, grandparents, babysitters etc..
I think I need to confess to hating crafts! I’m not very practical with my hands and I find any type of craft activity immensely stressful! Might just blog about that actually.
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